Then There Was Her - Part 1
There was a peacefulness. A sense of no longer caring what my fate was, what would happen. It was like I no longer was bothered by anything. Then there was her.
Popping up in my head like on cue. You feel happy and relaxed? Think about me. My beautiful exgirlfriend. The girl who ruined me, and made me unable to accept love from anyone or anything. Love is not a emotion I feel like I can experiance.
Let me first explain, it was not at all her fault that she ruined me. It was 99.6% mine. I was the one who messed our relationship up, and I'm the one who lives with the guilt and pain every day because of that. I made her ruin me. I made myslef the way I am now. Emotionally dead.
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It started in an odd way, our relationship. I added her on facebook because I thought she looked "cute" and she accepted my friend request for some unknown reason. We started talking on facebook and inbox then on msn.
My life became msn. I couldn't wait to get home each day and go on msn, and talk to her. She was the highlight of my day, because we connected. She accepted me for who I was, and made me feel something I hadn't before. A crush, who liked me back? This was a first.
It went from just msn'ing, to cam-to-cam, then i got her phone number. She had no credit to text me so I topped her phone up so we could talk some more while I was at college. we would text all day then msn during the evening. I would talk to her as I walked slowly through the freezing snow to Gravesend at 8:30am, and she, at the same time walked to school.
I had suffered from depression, rejection and loneliness for over a year, and had felt there was no way back. Nothing to live for. This little girl, made a huge impact and I started smiling again. Then we finally arranged to meet up one Sunday afternoon, at Bluewater shopping centre.
I remember talking to her before this, asking what clothes she liked on a guy. I wanted to make an impression. She said she liked skinny jeans, so i bought some skinny jeans... and wore them everytime I saw her from then on.
As I stood outside Marks & Spencer, on the inside of the shopping centre. I listened to the band playing (it was almost Christmas so M&S had hired a band). I was really nervous, as I had seen her on webcam, and seen her pictures, but never met up in person. We had arranged that this would be "a date" so I was really hoping I looked ok. She was over a hour late due to busses and I was over an hour early as I didn't want to keep her waiting. I remember thinking, "I really hope she actually turns up".
Then she texted me, saying she was at Bluewater and my heart skipped a beat. I stood there waiting. I saw her brother and his girlfriend. She was there, and I looked at her. My first thought was, "OMG SHE'S TINY!!" but I walked over and smiled, and gave her a hug. I can still recall, she was wearing black skinny jeans, a yellow coat, and brown boots. That's how much I like that memory.
Her brother and his girlfriend disappeared. We walked to the cinema and bought our tickets. We were about an hour early so we just walked around Bluewater. she didn't want any pda as her brother didn't know it was a date she was on, and he thought we were just friends. Avatar had just come out and was showing. We sat at the back, and after about an hour, I felt her hand touching mine.
I held her hand, and looked at her. She was so beautiful. I leaned over and kissed her, and she kissed back. I felt my heart float in the air. It was like pure happiness, to get that attention from the girl I really liked. We didn't realise but her brother and his girlfriend were only 2 rows in front of us, so could have easily looked round and seen us.
I left the cinema with her, and gave her a hug goodbye, at her bus. I walked off feeling so so happy. I can't ever remember feeling as happy as I have with her, in my whole life. I couldn't wait to get home and talk to her, and ask her how she found the day.
I was speaking to her online, and asked her to be my girlfriend. She said she couldn't have a boyfriend, because her parents wouldn't allow it.
Christmas came and went, I actually spoke to her on both new years day (12.10am) and Christmas Day (6:30pm) because she was who I was thinking of on both those days.
We met up for a second date, in Dartford Park, but it was so cold and snowy that we went into Dartford Library. We sat downstairs in the corner, pretending to read books, her on my lap. and kissing and talking. When she had to go, I was sad to see her go but happy because we had been on a second date :)
The 14th January 2010. She messaged me on facebook telling me she loved me, and wanted to be my girlfriend, if i still wanted to be her boyfriend. Of course i frigging did! ! I was over the moon. Literally, no drug could have given me that feeling. That was the start of our bumpy relationship which died as it came to an stop as it crashed in a wreck, injuring both of us....
